But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made.
Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for
as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take.
It is indeed a fearful gamble.
Because it is the nature of love to create, marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.
Madeleine L’Engle
true story ~
The bride was having an affair with the best man and decided not to tell her fiancé until they were on the beaches of Maui “enjoying” their honeymoon.
The poor guy asked her why she had waited until then to tell him. She said: “I hoped it was over when I walked down the aisle.”
The couple had argued throughout much of their engagement.
The ways in which they argued seldom resolved the issues. She was unhappy and chose not to do anything about it – save have an affair with the best man. The groom was unhappy and chose not to do anything about it – save pretend that all was “good.”
She didn’t want to deal with the messiness of her relationship and opted to stop talking with her fiancé. She no longer told him what she needed. And he wasn’t able to find a way to express his hurt.
Change is never easy, even when it holds the promise of new and healthy beginnings.
They each opted for the safety of what they knew – an unhappy relationship.
Needless to say, the annulment process started as soon as the groom got back to his hotel room (and his therapy started soon after).
A bizarre and unsettling story, yes?
And I have more. . .
true story ~
It was six days before their wedding. Andy, Sara and I met to put final touches to the ceremony. I could sense that something was troubling them. When I asked if they’d decided to have a reading, Andy mumbled, “whatever she wants,” and Sara said, “I don’t know.” When I asked if they were going to say personal words to each other or repeat just the traditional wording, Andy looked confused: “What am I supposed to say to her?”
I smiled––duh!
And that’s when Sara burst into tears.
They had an infant. They were building a home. They had unresolved money issues and claimed they had no time to talk.
All they had time for was to argue, to lash out, and to say hurtful things to each other which they later regretted and didn’t know what to do with. Their jumbled, poorly expressed emotions left them exhausted as they crawled to what they called the “finish line” of their wedding planning.
Weddings bring out the best and at times the worst in people.
How you deal with stress during the planning is how you’ll deal with stress after the wedding is long over.
If neglected, the stress on your communication inevitably leads to you:
• Dismissing your partner’s ideas
• Shutting down when you partner disagrees with you
• Playing mind games to test your partner’s love
• Feeling brittle and unable to express clearly your needs
• Pretending that you’re happy
At this point in your relationship, you’ve developed routines, dance steps, for communicating while handling everyday stress. Are these routines letting you get heard by your partner? Are they helping you take your partner’s needs seriously? Do you know what your partner needs?
10 Must-Have Couple Conversations BEFORE Walking Down the Aisle
- Why are we getting married? Would you be surprised at how many can’t answer this question?!
- Do we want children as a part of our lives?
- How will we manage our money?
- How will chores and home maintenance be handled?
- What boundaries do we establish in welcoming each others’ parents?
- What don’t we agree on? Make a list. Prioritize.
- How do we nurture physical and emotional intimacy?
- What’s our arguing style – and how satisfied are we with its effectiveness?
- How will we attempt to balance work and play?
- Where do we want to be in 10, 20, 40 years?
Here’s the great TRUTH –
The quality of your relationship is in direct proportion to the quality of your communication.
Your vows honor your commitment to that quality!
If you want tips on how to communicate in smart, healthy ways with your partner – during wedding planning and beyond –
check out my book,
How to Plan Your Wedding AND Stay Sane!
OR –
Treat you and your partner to a communications coaching session with me.
Click HERE for details!