In a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things—all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying, ‘your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.’ Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.’
From the movie, Shall We Dance?
It was six weeks before their wedding and Chad and Lisa still had not hired an officiant. Towards the end of our meeting, the conversation turned to Chad’s upcoming Vegas bachelor party weekend.
After Lisa humorously warned him that nothing better happen, he reassured her with these immortal words: “You have nothing to worry about. Nothing’s going to happen even if she goes into the bedroom with me.”
I’m stunned as Lisa slapped him in the arm. Seems Chad’s boys told him that they’re going to get him a stripper. He didn’t want a stripper, but how could he tell them that? He didn’t want to ruin their fun and besides, it’s tradition!
By the time our conversation ended, I wasn’t even sure if Chad and Lisa were going to have a ceremony for me to officiate!
I get that Chad wants to preserve his image with his boys, but at what cost?
Although Lisa & Chad eventually invited me to officiate their ceremony, I declined. Simply put, I thought they had too many unresolved issues with not enough communication skills in place.
I’ve frequently written here and elsewhere that communication is at the heart of your relationship. A cliché, I know, BUT it’s true!
That Lisa found out about Chad’s plans while at a meeting to discuss the ceremony, speaks volumes about the quality of their conversations.
That he wasn’t able to tell his supposed best friends what he wanted and did not want, speaks volumes about his ability to assert himself.
Without being able to express what it is your thinking, feeling, wanting, needing, it’s going to be hard to offer an “I Do” that is authentic, confident, and that expresses your willingness to DO all that is implied in that “I Do.”
If you can’t be honest with your partner before your wedding day, there’s no reason to believe you’ll be able to be honest the day after your wedding day.
Are there things you haven’t told your partner?
Topics you’ve been reluctant to bring up?
What are you afraid of? Now’s the time to talk!
John Gottman is a relationship guru and best-selling author.
I’m not sure where I came across the following list of 20 Questions, BUT according to Gottman, the more of these questions you and your partner can answer AND the more happy and satisfied you are with those answers, then the stronger is your relationship.
I invite you and your partner take some time and consider these questions.
- I can name my partner’s best friends.
- I know what stresses my partner is currently facing.
- I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.
- I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
- I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
- I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
- I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.
- When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.
- I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.
- My partner really respects me.
- There is fire and ·passion in this relationship.
- Romance is definitely part of our relationship.
- My partner appreciates our relationship.
- My partner generally likes my personality.
- Our sex life is mostly satisfying.
- At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me.
- My partner is one of my best friends.
- We just love talking to each other.
- There is lots of give and take in our discussions.
- My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree.
If you want more tips on how to communicate in smart, healthy ways with your partner – during wedding planning and beyond – check out my book,
How To Plan Your Wedding AND Stay Sane!
Treat you and your partner to a communications coaching session with me.
Click HERE for details!